Chapter 2: Isolation and Hope: Choosing to Start a Family

Hey Sis!

If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’ve already made it through Chapter 1: 17 Red Flags—which means, first of all, you deserve a round of applause. Seriously, thank you for taking the time to step into my world and hear a part of my story. It means more than you know.

Now, if you somehow skipped ahead and landed here in Chapter 2… baby, I love you, but what are you doing?! Go back and read Chapter 1! Trust me, it’s the foundation of everything, and I promise it’s worth it. But hey, no judgment—either way, I’m just happy you’re here.

So, with all that said… let’s get right into it!

Timeframe: Sometime in 2013

Senior year of high school. Not that I was attending much of it anyway. I was already living what I thought was my “best” life. My “man” was grown. We had our own place, he put me in a Mercedes—yeah, it was ten years old, but it was ‘mine’. I was getting into VIP spots with no ID (my ‘man’ was paying the bouncers), moving like a grown woman, exactly the way I had always imagined. Or so I thought.

My school routine had become laughable. Mondays, I’d stop by just long enough to pick up my assignments, and Fridays, I’d drop them off. The rest of my time was split between schoolwork, my job, and, most importantly, Cipher. My social life barely existed, but in my head, I was young, wild, and free. More importantly, staying home kept Cipher calm. It was a win-win—or at least that’s what I convinced myself. I was earning my high school diploma while reassuring my overprotective boyfriend that I wasn’t spending time with guys my age, out in the world where he couldn’t control me, or around any so-called “bad influences.”

I had completely settled into life with Cipher. School no longer felt like a priority. I hated walking through those metal detectors, hated the stares in the hallways. Senior year was supposed to be about prom, senior trips, and graduation, but I pretended not to care. Cipher had already made it clear—prom and senior trips were out of the question. He wouldn’t allow it, period. And even if I did graduate, who would show up? My family? Cipher? I already knew the answer.

School had been difficult ever since my parents divorced and we moved out of my childhood suburb. I never quite fit in after that. This was my second high school, and in my eyes, it was the worst. Somewhere between junior and senior year, I had earned the reputation of my high school’s biggest slut. I never had to hear the rumors to know they existed—people’s stares, their energy, their whispered conversations when I was around said enough. Whatever friends I had left either went to different schools or had drifted away. Maybe they abandoned me because, in a way, I had already abandoned myself—and my childhood along with it.

I had no real friendships, no solid relationship with my parents, barely any connection with my sisters. There was only Cipher. He made sure of that. He isolated me until I had no one else, and by then, I had stopped resisting.

Somewhere between the daycare across from my homeroom and the Planned Parenthood inside the nurse’s office, I became okay with the idea that I was sexually active. More than that, I entertained the thought of having a baby young. It was me and Cipher against the world. We were already a family—at least, that’s what I told myself. The only thing missing was a baby.

The idea of having a baby started as nothing more than a whisper—soft, distant, almost unreal. At first, I ignored it. But the more isolated I became, the louder it grew, until it was impossible to silence. I had never felt so alone. My friends were gone. My family felt like strangers. The only person left was Cipher, but even with him, I wasn’t someone—I was something. An accessory. A possession. Just another thing he had to manage. I was the girl he dictated—where to go, what to wear, when to speak. And worst of all, I was the girl he had molded into silence, into obedience, into someone who no longer knew how to fight back.

I wanted something more. I wanted to be wanted—not out of obligation or control, but genuinely, unconditionally. A baby wouldn’t judge me. A baby wouldn’t whisper about me in the hallways or disappear when things got too messy. A baby wouldn’t leave.

The thought of becoming a mother gave me a sense of purpose I had been desperately searching for. It wasn’t just about me and Cipher anymore. It was about building something real, something solid—something no one could take away from me.

Cipher never really talked about kids. He wasn’t the type to sit around dreaming about the future. But I started dropping hints, testing the waters. “What if we had a little us?” I’d say, playing with the idea, seeing how he’d react. Sometimes, he’d brush it off, smirking like it was a joke. Other times, he’d tell me “be careful what you ask for.”

I imagined holding a baby in my arms, someone who needed me, someone who would love me just because I existed. Someone who wouldn’t push me away.

I started paying more attention to the girls who were pregnant—the way their hands rested on their stomachs absentmindedly, how people who once ignored them now paid attention, how they suddenly had a place in the world. Even the daycare across from my homeroom didn’t seem like a cautionary tale anymore. It felt… comforting. A reminder that I wasn’t the only one who wanted this.

Maybe this was exactly what I needed. Maybe, just maybe, a baby could fix everything.

Maybe even my relationship with my parents.

I used to think there was no way to repair what was broken between us, that the distance, the misunderstandings, and the resentment had settled in too deep. But what if a baby changed that? What if, suddenly, we had a reason to come back together? Maybe if there was a baby around, the past wouldn’t matter as much. Maybe the anger, the disappointments, the years of not feeling seen or understood—maybe all of that could fade away in the presence of something new, something innocent, something that tied us all together again.

Maybe my mom would look at me differently. Maybe she wouldn’t just see a reckless, stubborn girl who ran straight into the arms of a man too old for her. Maybe she’d see a mother, just like her.

Maybe my dad would emotionally show up. Maybe he’d want to be around, to see his grandchild, to be part of something bigger than just his own life. Maybe he’d remember what it felt like to be a father and decide that this time, he wouldn’t let go.

Maybe my sisters and I could finally reconnect. We had all drifted so far apart, lost in our own separate worlds. But what if a baby could be the bridge between us? The glue that held us together? A reason to call, to visit, to share moments we had missed out on?

I imagined holidays where we were all together again, sitting around a table, passing plates, laughter filling the spaces that once held silence. No more tension. No more wondering if we even cared about each other anymore. Just love. Just family.

A baby could be that fresh start. A reason for everyone to let the past go and move forward in harmony.

And if none of that happened—if my family still chose to keep their distance—at least I wouldn’t be alone. I’d have my own little family. A love that no one could take away. A bond that no rumor, no judgment, no abandonment could break.

A baby would love me unconditionally. And more than anything, that’s all I wanted.

When I told Cipher I wanted to have a baby, I was shocked by his reaction.

All he said was, “I want whatever you want. If that’s what you want, then we’ll do it.”

His response was so different from how he usually reacted to things I asked for. There was no resistance, no dismissive tone, no shutting me down. Instead, he was calm, gentle, even understanding. He actually heard me. For the first time—maybe ever—what I wanted seemed to matter. And just like that, we started trying.

It wasn’t like we were tracking ovulation or marking calendars, but we definitely weren’t taking any steps to prevent it either.

About 6 months after I graduated from high school I found out I was pregnant, and fear hit me like a wave. I didn’t know what to do, who to call, what doctor to reach out to. All I knew was that the pregnancy test was positive… and I was sick as hell – literally.

When Cipher saw the test, he barely reacted. He just looked at it and said, “So what do you want to do? You wanna keep it? I want whatever you want.”

Now hold up—let me just pause right here and keep it 100% real with y’all. Looking back, I wish future me could time-travel to this very moment, kick down the door, and slap the sh*t out of little me. Because, sis…this was literally my Get Out of Cipher Jail Free card—and what did I do? I folded.

Cipher wasn’t just asking me what I wanted out of curiosity; I know now that he was subliminally giving me a chance to think twice, maybe even come to my senses. But nope, I fumbled it. I was setting up to be nineteen years old, with a whole baby. NINE-TEEN. And I thought I was ready?!

Whew. Somebody should’ve thrown a flag on the play.