Chapter 3: Babies, Betrayals, and Bad Decisions

Welcome back, sis. I hope that my vulnerability thus far has inspired you in one way or another. Chapter two was difficult even for me to revisit. To heal, we must first understand the truth. Then we need to accept and acknowledge it.

The truth is, in hindsight, I was not ready to be a mother. Becoming a mother is a selfless act. It requires you to put every part of your being on the backburner. This includes your hopes, your dreams, and your physical and mental state. Most importantly, it affects your health.

Every time a woman decides to have a child, there is a 22% chance that she will lose her life. For Black women, the statistics are even more alarming—49.5 per 100,000 live births in the United States, a rate significantly higher than other racial groups. But while that number is horrifying, it it’s a reality that we have to face.

I was 18 years old. Legally an adult, but still a child in so many ways.

Let’s be real—science says the female brain isn’t even fully developed until 25. This means I was out here making life-altering decisions with the emotional intelligence of a toddler. Imagine a toddler who just dropped their ice cream.

I was a little girl. I hadn’t even healed my inner child. Yet, I was about to bring another life into the world. I was in a relationship with a man nearly a decade my senior. I was burdened by childhood trauma, desperate not to be left alone, longing to be seen. And in my innocent, naïve mind, I thought a baby would fill that void.

Can I just say boy oh boy do I wish I knew then what I know now, because sis—having a baby isn’t like getting a pet that follows you around for cuddles. A baby doesn’t give you attention—it hijacks all of yours, 24/7, no breaks, no refunds. You think you’re about to have a little bestie? Maybe sometimes but 9/10… not really babes. You’re about to have a tiny, screaming CEO who demands round-the-clock service with no paycheck in sight.

A baby needs love, nurturing, guidance, protection. And how in the world could I give that when I had yet to fully grow myself? How could I raise a little human? The little human inside of me still needed my undivided attention.

As the reality of my pregnancy settled in, so did my fears. But soon after they were overshadowed by relentless morning sickness. It should have been called “all-day, everyday” sickness. I remember sitting on our bed, starving but too scared to eat. I resorted to drinking water but instantly threw it up. I sat in the mess, crying, convinced my body was rejecting this pregnancy. It seemed like my body was saying the things that I refused to.

And all the while, Cipher was nowhere to be found. He’d leave early in the day and return late at night—if he came home at all. We were supposed to be preparing for this together! He was supposed to be here with me- to hold my hair when I’d vomit, to bring me comfort, to massage my feet and feed me grapes off a platter like in the movies, yet somehow I found myself right where I had been for so long; alone, but now with a life growing inside me, wreaking havoc on my body.

In his absence, I found comfort in my childhood favorite movies. Living across from the library, I would rent DVDs when I had the strength—Finding Nemo, Shrek—playing them on repeat, as if the familiarity of those stories could ground me in a world that was suddenly so foreign. 

Now Pause! Isn’t it ironic? A so-called ‘woman’ finding solace in animated movies while simultaneously trying to wrap her head around the fact that she was about to be responsible for a whole other human being. Because, clearly, watching Shrek on repeat was the perfect crash course in parenting—if only Donkey had given tips on surviving morning sickness too. Like seriously sis, who was I kidding? I was just as lost as Nemo—except, in my case, there was no overprotective dad frantically searching for me. Just me, adrift in a sea of morning sickness and bad decisions.

There are two moments from my pregnancy that I will never forget:

• The moment I told my mother.
• The moment I realized I was not the only woman that Cipher had on his radar.

When I told my mother, her words echoed like a haunting refrain in my mind:

“Indo, please”. She pleaded. “This is a mistake; I don’t want any part of this.”

Her face turned ghostly pale, her silence louder than any scream. In that moment, the fragile hope I had for reconciliation with my family shattered. I see now that her fear was valid. She was a mother watching her daughter walk a painful path. It was a path she could not prevent. But at the time, her words felt like a death sentence, pushing me further into isolation.

In that isolation, I tried to build a home for my baby. I reorganized our apartment, transformed Cipher’s “man cave” into a nursery. And in my curiosity, I stumbled upon a truth I wasn’t prepared for—Cipher had another woman. A woman who had been in his life for years, supporting him financially, emotionally, believing in a future that was never meant to be hers.

When I confronted him, I erupted in a way I never had before. I demanded respect, acknowledgment, something tangible to prove that I wasn’t just another name on his list. I refused to be a secret anymore! And in that moment, he folded. He held me, rubbed my barely-there belly, and whispered promises that should have felt like salvation. In hindsight, I see them for what they were—band-aids over wounds too deep to heal with empty words.

For a fleeting moment, things were good. Cipher was attentive, affectionate, and finally public about our relationship and even tagging me in his social media posts. And then, the messages came.

“I’m coming to you as a woman; he doesn’t want a baby with you. He wanted a baby with me.”  Here was another young woman exposing truths that were almost unbelievable.

I wanted to be angry, but what weighed on me even more was that I couldn’t. She was genuinely hurt, and in so many ways, she was just like me—vulnerable, insecure, searching for love and validation, and easily swayed by the need to be loved. He fed her the same lies and manipulation that he fed me. The same sweet words, the same empty promises, the same illusion of security that crumbled the moment you looked too closely.

Just like me, she believed him. But unlike me, she could escape. She had nothing to lose, no ties binding her to this mess. But me? I was trapped. Pregnant, living under his roof, financially dependent with no real way out. The car I drove wasn’t even in my name. Without him, I had nothing—or at least, that’s what I believed at the time.

Somehow, Cipher twisted everything into being my fault. I was the one who wanted to be public. I was the one who opened the door for these women to reach me.

But sis, I wasn’t buying that nonsense. I was fuming. And when that angle didn’t work, Cipher fell right back into his old mind games.

“Are you really going to let this ruin our family?”

“I only told her those things—it was just words; for her to forgive my debts.”

“We have a baby to worry about now, not this nonsense. I didn’t grow up with a family; don’t take this family away from me too. You and this baby are all that I have.”

.I never imagined that Cipher would cheat on me—let alone that I would be the other woman. He hid it so well, I never would have guessed. And yet, the truth cut me deeper than I knew was possible. Knowing I wasn’t the only one didn’t just hurt—it shattered me. It made me question everything.

After everything I had done, all the sacrifices I made, all the ways I bent and broke myself just to make him happy—this is what I got in return. I had spent so much time proving my loyalty, reassuring him every time he accused me of being unfaithful, carrying the weight of his insecurities, only to find out that it was all projection. It was him all along.

I couldn’t stop the thoughts from eating away at me. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? What was so wrong with me that he still needed someone else?

I wanted to leave. I wanted to run. But how could I? I was carrying his child. No matter how broken I felt, I was trapped. And the worst part was—I wasn’t even sure if I had the strength to fight it anymore. He was so convincing, pulling at my heartstrings with his signature brand of manipulation. And once again, I fell for it.

I need to say this—because one day, my sweet girl may read this chapter, and I never want her to question the depth of my love for her.

Dearest Baby A,

I love you with every fiber of my being. Your laughter, your light, your energy—you are my world. But I did you a disservice by bringing you into my chaos. I was not mentally, emotionally, financially, or spiritually prepared to be your mother. And yet, despite all of that, you came into my life like a miracle, and I am eternally grateful to be the one you call Mom.

But please know, my love, I am sorry.

You have, in so many ways, been my teacher more than I have been yours. You have been the foundation of my existence, my motivation, my reason to breathe and my reason to survive. And yet, because of my poor decisions—because I was not ready in the ways I should have been—I know you have suffered in ways I never wanted you to. That truth will always weigh on me.

But even with that, I cannot imagine my life without you. You are my redemption. My greatest love. My reason to keep pushing forward. And if nothing else, I need you to know this:

You were never my mistake. You were always my saving grace.

To my little sisters… if there is one thing I want you to take away from my this chapter it’s this:

Motherhood is not just about having a baby. It is about raising a human.

It is a journey that only should be taken when you have fully done the work and healed yourself so that your child doesn’t inherit your wounds. It is about making sure that when you bring life into this world, you are whole enough to nurture it, to guide it, to love it and protect it in the way it deserves.

And most importantly, it is about knowing your worth before you ask someone else to see it.

To every woman reading this—heal first. Love yourself first. Choose yourself first. Because the child you bring into this world deserves the whole, radiant, and healed version of you—not the shattered pieces you pray they can somehow make whole. A child is not a cure for loneliness, nor a bandage for old wounds. They deserve a mother who is strong, who is ready, who can pour into them without running on empty. So, before you give your love to another life, make sure you have first given it to yourself.

Sis, I cannot stress this enough—heal first. Because if you don’t, you may wake up one day trapped in a reality so dark, so consuming, that escape feels impossible. When you don’t recognize your own worth, you will attract those who see even less in you. And they will take—bit by bit—until there is nothing left. They will drain you of your mind, your body, your soul, and leave you believing you were never worth saving. But you are. You always have been. So, before you give pieces of yourself away, make sure you are whole—because you deserve more than just survival. You deserve to truly live.

Cipher had already taken my family. He had taken my friends. He had shattered my mind, filled me with doubt and confusion. And now, through our child, he had taken my body. But what he was about to steal next was something far worse— something that would leave me hollow, something that would haunt me forever.

See you next week 3.8.25 –
Chapter 4 : What More Can You Take Away From Me?